:'(

So judging by the title of this post, you can guess what the test said. BFN!.  Oh well. I still don't know what caused me to get sick all of a sudden and I haven't gotten sick then. I guess it could have been anything.

AF still hasn't arrived yet. I'm not sure what that is about either.

One good thing has come out of this. I was on the fence about doing the trial and was thinking about just going back on Metformin and seeing if a few months of that would somehow miraculously make me get pregnant. I just didn't want to go back on the fertility meds and be on that emotional roller coaster. I've had a lot of other things going on have been quite distracted the past 2 months, or so, and haven't been thinking about a baby to much.

Well after last night, I am definitely going to call the clinical trial and get started. I really don't want to wait anymore. Doodlebug is going to be 9 years old in just a couple of months and I was hoping to be done having babies before I was thirty. Here I am 31 and still praying for another one.

If I had know that it was going to be this hard I would have tried immediately after she was born for another one.  But, NO, I had to do the responsible thing and wait until we were more stable, in our own home, and in a much better place financially. Why is it so easy for my 19 year old, pot head, uneducated, jobless, husbandless neighbor to get pregnant, and not me?

I don't know.

But what I do know is that I am eternally grateful for what I DO have. This struggle has, with out a doubt, made me a better mother to Doodlebug. I cherish every moment I have with her (not that I didn't before). Sometimes it is so easy to get busy with life and overlook the small things. For instance, last night, Doodle and I went to dinner. Just the two of us. We sat at Olive Garden (her favorite) and laughed, and talked, and did homework. Then she wanted to go shopping at the Dollar Tree. She is such a smart girl.

I have had friends, acquaintances, and even teachers make comments about what an amazing young lady she is. Her kindergarten teacher told me at our first conference that she had never had a student with such great manners. What a compliment that was. We must be doing something right. Even all of my husband's cousins, who all have kids, always say they wish their kids were as good as Doodle. I just think to myself "well if you were as involved with your kid, and appreciated your time with them like I do, then you could".

I am reminded of when Mr. Wonderful and I had been trying for about a year and a half for another one and his cousin-in-law popped up pregnant 6 weeks after giving birth when she went in for her appt to have her tubes tied. The entire 9 months she was pregnant anytime she would ask if I was pregnant and of course the answer was no, she would look at me and say " Well you can have this one, cause I didn't want it" (as she pointed to round belly). What a Bitch!!!!!

Anyway, enough ranting for the moment.

SO THE PLAN IS: 1) Stop having a pity party and get my shit together. 2) Call the clinical trial and set up an appointment. 3) Continue to appreciate all I have and stop feeling guilty for wanting more.