:'(

So judging by the title of this post, you can guess what the test said. BFN!.  Oh well. I still don't know what caused me to get sick all of a sudden and I haven't gotten sick then. I guess it could have been anything.

AF still hasn't arrived yet. I'm not sure what that is about either.

One good thing has come out of this. I was on the fence about doing the trial and was thinking about just going back on Metformin and seeing if a few months of that would somehow miraculously make me get pregnant. I just didn't want to go back on the fertility meds and be on that emotional roller coaster. I've had a lot of other things going on have been quite distracted the past 2 months, or so, and haven't been thinking about a baby to much.

Well after last night, I am definitely going to call the clinical trial and get started. I really don't want to wait anymore. Doodlebug is going to be 9 years old in just a couple of months and I was hoping to be done having babies before I was thirty. Here I am 31 and still praying for another one.

If I had know that it was going to be this hard I would have tried immediately after she was born for another one.  But, NO, I had to do the responsible thing and wait until we were more stable, in our own home, and in a much better place financially. Why is it so easy for my 19 year old, pot head, uneducated, jobless, husbandless neighbor to get pregnant, and not me?

I don't know.

But what I do know is that I am eternally grateful for what I DO have. This struggle has, with out a doubt, made me a better mother to Doodlebug. I cherish every moment I have with her (not that I didn't before). Sometimes it is so easy to get busy with life and overlook the small things. For instance, last night, Doodle and I went to dinner. Just the two of us. We sat at Olive Garden (her favorite) and laughed, and talked, and did homework. Then she wanted to go shopping at the Dollar Tree. She is such a smart girl.

I have had friends, acquaintances, and even teachers make comments about what an amazing young lady she is. Her kindergarten teacher told me at our first conference that she had never had a student with such great manners. What a compliment that was. We must be doing something right. Even all of my husband's cousins, who all have kids, always say they wish their kids were as good as Doodle. I just think to myself "well if you were as involved with your kid, and appreciated your time with them like I do, then you could".

I am reminded of when Mr. Wonderful and I had been trying for about a year and a half for another one and his cousin-in-law popped up pregnant 6 weeks after giving birth when she went in for her appt to have her tubes tied. The entire 9 months she was pregnant anytime she would ask if I was pregnant and of course the answer was no, she would look at me and say " Well you can have this one, cause I didn't want it" (as she pointed to round belly). What a Bitch!!!!!

Anyway, enough ranting for the moment.

SO THE PLAN IS: 1) Stop having a pity party and get my shit together. 2) Call the clinical trial and set up an appointment. 3) Continue to appreciate all I have and stop feeling guilty for wanting more.

I'm going CRAZY!!!!!

So I am sitting here on my couch going crazy. About an hour ago, I started puking for NO reason. I do not feel sick and I only vomitted once.

So why am I going crazy? AF was supposed to be here today and hasn't shown up. I also haven't had any cramping lately.

COULD I ACTUALLY BE PREGNANT? I don't want to get my hopes up.

I do have a few other symptoms such as:  increased fatigue, I have been eating everything I see the past week (which I attributed to PMS), I also had a nightmare last week (which I NEVER have), called my mom crying 2 nights ago because I wanted to be with my family on Christmas, I have been peeing more frequently, and *TMI* I have been having more CM the past few days. All of these things I just attributed to PMS, and I guess they still could be. Thanks to PCOS, it isn't uncommon for my period to be a few days late, or to have most of these symptoms. Just because Fertility Friend says I should start today doesn't guarantee it.

Mr. Wonderful is working night shift and Doodle bug is in bed so I can't go to the store and I don't have any tests here. I called my best friend and she is going to go to the store when she gets off work in an hour or two and get me a test. So until then I will just go crazy.

In the past hour I have called my husband and my mom. I told both of them that I either had food poisoning, a stomach virus, or was pregnant. Now we are all going crazy!!  I have also taken an "Am I Pregnant Quiz?" on the internet. It told me I was "PROBABLY PREGNANT'.  Yea...Like that didn't get me excited.

I just went to the bathroom 30 mins ago and I have to pee, AGAIN!! What does this mean? Is it from the 3 glasses of iced tea I have had this evening? Or AM I PREGNANT??

I am going to go crazy the next couple of hours wondering. Then I will probably cry myself to sleep. Either in disappointment or excitement. Either way, I just need to know.

I will post the results tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed and say and little prayer for me.

CD 1......Again!!

That's right.... AF showed up this morning.  Early at that...and with terrible cramps. I have actually been cramping for a couple of days. But, at least she is here on her own for the third time in a row.  I have also been exhausted for about a week. Tuesday I slept basically for the entire day and I have been in bed before 11 every night this week.

It has been a rough couple of weeks. I haven't been feeling great. I was having severe sinus and ear pain for a couple of days. It was soooo painful that I got really nauseaus and dizzy. After a trip to the doctor I found out that it wasn't just a typical sinus infection or ear infection like I thought. Apparently I have ETD (Eustacian Tube Dysfunction). It can occur in a split second and become very painful and just as fast as it appeared, it subsides. CRAZY!!!! PAINFUL!!!! And the best news is that there isn't really anything to do. It can become irritated by bad allergies and so I was prescribed NOSE SPRAY for EAR PAIN!! Doesn't really make sense to me, but I guess it has helped.

So I was supposed to call and setup an appt. to start the clinical trial, but I haven't yet since I haven't been feeling to well, and since I AF showed up today I guess it doesn't really matter since they wouldn't be able to do much until next cycle.

I dunno. Part of me wonders if I will just MAGICALLY become pregnant since my period has decided to become regular on its own. Then part of me wonders if I were to just try naturally for a while if my cycles would go back to being screwy and I would be back and square one again.
Maybe, just maybe it would work. But then again that is the same thing I thought for SIX years of trying and not doing anything. And it got me nothing.

I guess I should call them and make an appt.

Why not me???

So I was doing pretty well with the whole not being pregnant thing until.....I just logged onto Facebook and saw that my husbands ex just found out she is pregnant with her THIRD child....she separated from her husband last year and has been partying with GOD knows who and doing GOD knows what with them.... now she is pregnant!!!

Why is she pregnant and NOT me? Why does she deserve ANOTHER baby and NOT me?

I dunno...I guess I'm just having one of those days.....

CD 1.....Again!!

That's right...AF has arrived again.. blah!!  On the other hand, she came WITH OUT Provera, Metformin, or Clomid. Which means that I REALLY did O on my own!! That in it's self is good enough for today, right now in this moment. It means that I'm not pregnant, but at least my body is doing what it is supposed to do to get pregnant.

Next best gift for my Birthday!!

So today was my birthday.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!! LOL!!!

Well, I didn't get the ultimate gift for my birthday, yet, but there is at least hope!!!
Three days ago I got a positive OPK!!!!!   With out Metformin, Provera, or Clomid!!!!!
I passed the test ALL BY MY SELF!!!!!

So...who knows..maybe in a couple of weeks I will get my BFP. That would be the ULTIMATE birthday gift!
I already got the next best thing!!

Needless to say, I had a wonderful day. It was very relaxing...Mr. Wonderful and Doodlebug cooked me breakfast and baked me a cake, my neighbors had us over for dinner and fixed a delicious meal.
I couldn't have asked for anything more than that.

I miss Metformin!!!!

So in the past week I have had a horrible sinus infection, severe back pain, and a yeast infection from hell (sorry for the TMI)  !!!!!!
Maybe it's just coincidence, but I can't help but feel like my body has fallen apart since I stopped the Met.
My sugar cravings are back in full force. Now I know that is from going off the Met. I can't wait until the next 2 months are over and I can start the clinical trial. At least then I will feel like this is worth it.

After my DR's appointment I had considered purchasing a scale. I was sooo excited about losing 15 lbs and wanted to watch the rest fall off.  I am so glad that I didn't!! I'm sure I have probably gained some if not most of that back. Oh well. Maybe once I feel better I can get back on track. NO!! I have to and I WILL get back on track.....once I feel better.