:'(

So judging by the title of this post, you can guess what the test said. BFN!.  Oh well. I still don't know what caused me to get sick all of a sudden and I haven't gotten sick then. I guess it could have been anything.

AF still hasn't arrived yet. I'm not sure what that is about either.

One good thing has come out of this. I was on the fence about doing the trial and was thinking about just going back on Metformin and seeing if a few months of that would somehow miraculously make me get pregnant. I just didn't want to go back on the fertility meds and be on that emotional roller coaster. I've had a lot of other things going on have been quite distracted the past 2 months, or so, and haven't been thinking about a baby to much.

Well after last night, I am definitely going to call the clinical trial and get started. I really don't want to wait anymore. Doodlebug is going to be 9 years old in just a couple of months and I was hoping to be done having babies before I was thirty. Here I am 31 and still praying for another one.

If I had know that it was going to be this hard I would have tried immediately after she was born for another one.  But, NO, I had to do the responsible thing and wait until we were more stable, in our own home, and in a much better place financially. Why is it so easy for my 19 year old, pot head, uneducated, jobless, husbandless neighbor to get pregnant, and not me?

I don't know.

But what I do know is that I am eternally grateful for what I DO have. This struggle has, with out a doubt, made me a better mother to Doodlebug. I cherish every moment I have with her (not that I didn't before). Sometimes it is so easy to get busy with life and overlook the small things. For instance, last night, Doodle and I went to dinner. Just the two of us. We sat at Olive Garden (her favorite) and laughed, and talked, and did homework. Then she wanted to go shopping at the Dollar Tree. She is such a smart girl.

I have had friends, acquaintances, and even teachers make comments about what an amazing young lady she is. Her kindergarten teacher told me at our first conference that she had never had a student with such great manners. What a compliment that was. We must be doing something right. Even all of my husband's cousins, who all have kids, always say they wish their kids were as good as Doodle. I just think to myself "well if you were as involved with your kid, and appreciated your time with them like I do, then you could".

I am reminded of when Mr. Wonderful and I had been trying for about a year and a half for another one and his cousin-in-law popped up pregnant 6 weeks after giving birth when she went in for her appt to have her tubes tied. The entire 9 months she was pregnant anytime she would ask if I was pregnant and of course the answer was no, she would look at me and say " Well you can have this one, cause I didn't want it" (as she pointed to round belly). What a Bitch!!!!!

Anyway, enough ranting for the moment.

SO THE PLAN IS: 1) Stop having a pity party and get my shit together. 2) Call the clinical trial and set up an appointment. 3) Continue to appreciate all I have and stop feeling guilty for wanting more.

I'm going CRAZY!!!!!

So I am sitting here on my couch going crazy. About an hour ago, I started puking for NO reason. I do not feel sick and I only vomitted once.

So why am I going crazy? AF was supposed to be here today and hasn't shown up. I also haven't had any cramping lately.

COULD I ACTUALLY BE PREGNANT? I don't want to get my hopes up.

I do have a few other symptoms such as:  increased fatigue, I have been eating everything I see the past week (which I attributed to PMS), I also had a nightmare last week (which I NEVER have), called my mom crying 2 nights ago because I wanted to be with my family on Christmas, I have been peeing more frequently, and *TMI* I have been having more CM the past few days. All of these things I just attributed to PMS, and I guess they still could be. Thanks to PCOS, it isn't uncommon for my period to be a few days late, or to have most of these symptoms. Just because Fertility Friend says I should start today doesn't guarantee it.

Mr. Wonderful is working night shift and Doodle bug is in bed so I can't go to the store and I don't have any tests here. I called my best friend and she is going to go to the store when she gets off work in an hour or two and get me a test. So until then I will just go crazy.

In the past hour I have called my husband and my mom. I told both of them that I either had food poisoning, a stomach virus, or was pregnant. Now we are all going crazy!!  I have also taken an "Am I Pregnant Quiz?" on the internet. It told me I was "PROBABLY PREGNANT'.  Yea...Like that didn't get me excited.

I just went to the bathroom 30 mins ago and I have to pee, AGAIN!! What does this mean? Is it from the 3 glasses of iced tea I have had this evening? Or AM I PREGNANT??

I am going to go crazy the next couple of hours wondering. Then I will probably cry myself to sleep. Either in disappointment or excitement. Either way, I just need to know.

I will post the results tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed and say and little prayer for me.

CD 1......Again!!

That's right.... AF showed up this morning.  Early at that...and with terrible cramps. I have actually been cramping for a couple of days. But, at least she is here on her own for the third time in a row.  I have also been exhausted for about a week. Tuesday I slept basically for the entire day and I have been in bed before 11 every night this week.

It has been a rough couple of weeks. I haven't been feeling great. I was having severe sinus and ear pain for a couple of days. It was soooo painful that I got really nauseaus and dizzy. After a trip to the doctor I found out that it wasn't just a typical sinus infection or ear infection like I thought. Apparently I have ETD (Eustacian Tube Dysfunction). It can occur in a split second and become very painful and just as fast as it appeared, it subsides. CRAZY!!!! PAINFUL!!!! And the best news is that there isn't really anything to do. It can become irritated by bad allergies and so I was prescribed NOSE SPRAY for EAR PAIN!! Doesn't really make sense to me, but I guess it has helped.

So I was supposed to call and setup an appt. to start the clinical trial, but I haven't yet since I haven't been feeling to well, and since I AF showed up today I guess it doesn't really matter since they wouldn't be able to do much until next cycle.

I dunno. Part of me wonders if I will just MAGICALLY become pregnant since my period has decided to become regular on its own. Then part of me wonders if I were to just try naturally for a while if my cycles would go back to being screwy and I would be back and square one again.
Maybe, just maybe it would work. But then again that is the same thing I thought for SIX years of trying and not doing anything. And it got me nothing.

I guess I should call them and make an appt.

Why not me???

So I was doing pretty well with the whole not being pregnant thing until.....I just logged onto Facebook and saw that my husbands ex just found out she is pregnant with her THIRD child....she separated from her husband last year and has been partying with GOD knows who and doing GOD knows what with them.... now she is pregnant!!!

Why is she pregnant and NOT me? Why does she deserve ANOTHER baby and NOT me?

I dunno...I guess I'm just having one of those days.....

CD 1.....Again!!

That's right...AF has arrived again.. blah!!  On the other hand, she came WITH OUT Provera, Metformin, or Clomid. Which means that I REALLY did O on my own!! That in it's self is good enough for today, right now in this moment. It means that I'm not pregnant, but at least my body is doing what it is supposed to do to get pregnant.

Next best gift for my Birthday!!

So today was my birthday.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!! LOL!!!

Well, I didn't get the ultimate gift for my birthday, yet, but there is at least hope!!!
Three days ago I got a positive OPK!!!!!   With out Metformin, Provera, or Clomid!!!!!
I passed the test ALL BY MY SELF!!!!!

So...who knows..maybe in a couple of weeks I will get my BFP. That would be the ULTIMATE birthday gift!
I already got the next best thing!!

Needless to say, I had a wonderful day. It was very relaxing...Mr. Wonderful and Doodlebug cooked me breakfast and baked me a cake, my neighbors had us over for dinner and fixed a delicious meal.
I couldn't have asked for anything more than that.

I miss Metformin!!!!

So in the past week I have had a horrible sinus infection, severe back pain, and a yeast infection from hell (sorry for the TMI)  !!!!!!
Maybe it's just coincidence, but I can't help but feel like my body has fallen apart since I stopped the Met.
My sugar cravings are back in full force. Now I know that is from going off the Met. I can't wait until the next 2 months are over and I can start the clinical trial. At least then I will feel like this is worth it.

After my DR's appointment I had considered purchasing a scale. I was sooo excited about losing 15 lbs and wanted to watch the rest fall off.  I am so glad that I didn't!! I'm sure I have probably gained some if not most of that back. Oh well. Maybe once I feel better I can get back on track. NO!! I have to and I WILL get back on track.....once I feel better.

A baby for the low, low price of $300.00

So Mr. Wonderful isn't accepting the other job. This is actually a wonderful thing. His current employer refused to accept his resignation and instead went to the board and asked what they would approve to try and retain him. He was able to counter the other offer with the same amounts that they were going to pay him. It actually works out so much better for us because he won't have to pay more for gas to drive an additional 40 miles per day, or pay an additional $200 a pay for health insurance, or have to start paying 5% into his retirement. At the moment the employer contributes to it and he is not required to contribute anything.

Needless to say that I was very excited about him staying where he is until.....yesterday. His employment package for the other place came in the mail. We opened it and looked at it just see what all of their benefits were. I got to the medical coverage part and started reading it. At the very bottom there it was under Family Planning..... Infertility treatment - artificial insemination, surgical treatment -four per lifetime - you pay $300.00. 


Seriously?!? Our current insurance doesn't cover ANYTHING!!!! But we only pay $120/pay for health insurance. At the other place we would have to pay $324/pay....almost the entire pay increase would have gone to paying for the insurance. Logically this makes perfect sense. We are coming out ahead if he stays where is at...but at the same time I feel like reading that part was saying: "A BABY FOR ONLY $300" Realistically I know that is not the case, but I can't help but wonder......

I know that he made the right choice to stay where he is. The schedule is better, and he will bring home enough money for me to continue to be a SAHM.  And with the extra money, we will be able to save money to pay for treatments in the future.

So for now, he will stay where he is, we will continue on track for the clinical trial, and hopefully things will get better financially for us very soon.

CD 3

Thats right...AF showed her ugly face the other day. On the bright side it was with out Provera again!!!!! At least something is working the way it should. Now the question is will I ovulate on my own this cycle??
It would great if I could get pregnant with out medication. I guess we will just have to wait and see what happens.
So I am finishing up my prescription of Metformin. I only have 1 or 2 days left. I am not going to refill it. We have decided to try the clinical trial. So I will be med free for 2 months...a little exciting...but mostly scary. What if my body stops working again....What if I gain the measly 15 lbs back that I have lost....What if I stop having my period.....What if I get pregnant on my own????? So many "WHAT IFS"...

I have often given the advice to others that you can't waste time worrying about the "what ifs" and to think about the "what ares"..... this is much easier said than done. I suppose this is just another thing that I have work on about myself.

On another note, I started walking yesterday. Mr. Wonderful was taking Doodle fishing at the lake and they were going to be leaving at 5 AM. I woke up to my alarm at 6 AM to take my temp and couldn't go back to sleep so I decided to get up and go for a walk. After getting dressed, I came down stairs and heard the two of them still here having breakfast together. I decided to go with them and go for a walk on the new nature path down by the river. We have gone bike riding there in the early spring. It is about 1 mile long and beautiful. We get to the dam and Mr. Wonderful and Doodle go out to start fishing and I head to the trail. It started off pretty well. I had a great pace going, was working on my breathing so that I could maintain that pace and I was feeling great......then......the damn mayflies started attacking me!!!!! It was horrible. They are such persistent little buggers!!! I started swinging my arms to keep them away but they just kept coming back.  I had walked about 3/4 of a mile and had to turn back. I was actually pretty disappointed I didn't get to keep going. I guess I will just walk the street at the house for a few more weeks. Hopefully, the mayflies will be gone in a few weeks and I can start walking down there every once in a while.

Other than the mayflies, yesterday was a great day. We all came back and took a nap. Doodle in her bed and  Mr. Wonderful and I on the couch snuggling!! Then we had a delicious steak dinner, prepared by yours truly!!

Today is payday, which means that I have to grocery shopping. What Fun!! Why is it so expensive to eat healthy?!? I hate spending so much money on fresh veggies and fruit that will most likely go bad before all of it can be eaten. But, it is much healthier than eating frozen packaged garbage...but shouldn't it be the other way around. I would think that the pre-packaged junk with all the extra additives and stuff would cost more than the fresh stuff.  Oh well.

What's Next??

Well I have been MIA for a while. So much has been going on. I finished my last cycle of Clomid. Yet another failed attempt. BFN yesterday morning and negative blood test from Dr. today. :(  So where do I go from here?

I went to the OB yesterday to talk about the next step and how the last 3 months had gone. I got some good news and some not so good news. I will start with the positive....

The Metformin is WORKING!!! I have lost 15 pounds!!! So exciting. I didn't really think it was doing much so when I got on the scale and saw what it said I was elated!!! So much so that when they took my blood pressure it was too high. I had to take a few breaths and calm down for them to take it again. Thankfully it was back to normal a few minutes later.  The Dr. said that another sign that it was working was that I got AF all on my own last month!

More good news is that she said I can do the clinical trial. But she would rather see me go to an RE. She said that since I want to get pregnant...like yesterday... my best option for making that happen would be to see an RE. Time wise I can understand that....financial wise I can't do it. Insurance won't cover it.

Bad news is that I'm not pregnant now. I haven't been that emotional this cycle, until today. I have been crying off and on all day. I'm not really sure why, I didn't expect for it to be positive since my temps had been dropping the last few days, but hearing the nurse say that my results were less than 1 and I am definitely not pregnant sent my emotions spiraling down hill. Maybe I'm PMSing and this is a good sign...I dunno, I guess we will see.

I have had the day to myself today, Mr. Wonderful is at work and Doodle is at her great-grandmas. At first I was looking forward to the alone time, but now...... I just feel lonely.

So Mr. Wonderful has gotten a new job. He will start on Sept. 19th. This will be a good thing. He is kinda at a stand still at his current job and the new one is in a higher position, making more money, and has the opportunity to continue to move up. This also means new health insurance.

Now, with all of this new information, where do I go from here?? This is the part I'm having a hard time trying to figure out. There are a couple of options.
1) stop taking all meds and get ready to start trial in October.
2) continue taking Met and try some herbal stuff I've been reading about. Try this natural route for a few months. This would allow us to see what the new insurance would cover (if anything). The clinical trial will be going on until 2013 so I can always try it after the 1st of the year.
3) Contact RE office, set appt and see how much it will cost (an arm and a leg, I'm sure).

I dunno. I'm stuck. I don't want to do anything that is going to be counter-productive, and I don't want to waste time, but I'm not sure that an RE is the best way to go either. I would much rather do everything I can with out using up all of financial resources. We need to have something left for when we finally do get pregnant. Going to an RE will undoubtedly be expensive. It would not be very good to spend everything we have to get a baby and then not be able to afford to take care of it when it got here.  I'm probably just being over dramatic here....like I said I am feeling very emotional today.

I guess I should go and start thinking about it and stop being such a drama queen....

Surprisingly....

Surprisingly, I have been having a pretty good week, despite Doodle's absense. Yesterday, Mr. Wonderful was off again, so we just played video games and straightened up the house a little and relaxed. Sometimes, I am amazed that after 12 years together we still find things to talk about and enjoy each other's company. We don't have to be doing anything special, just sitting, laughing, talking... I love him soo much. I have really been appreciating everything he does for his family lately. I mean, I have always been appreciating him, just more than usual lately. I am able to be a SAHM and take care of Doodle, all because he supports us. He goes to work for 12 hours a day and busts his ass....all for me and Doodle. I am truly thankful to have him in my life!! He is my best friend!!


So today I talked to the rep from the clinical trial. She asked some questions and then said that we would qualify to start the screening process. EXCITING!! Here's the kicker... I have to stop taking my Metformin. I am about to start my 3rd cycle of Clomid with OB and I don't want to stop taking it now. So I think I will finish out this cycle and then if I am no preggers then I will stop all medications for 2 months and then be able to start the trial. The other kicker is that there are some things that we will have to pay for. The semen analysis and some ultra sounds and things of that nature will all be our responsibility, but she said that the semen analysis was only $60-65, which I think is very reasonable. Thought it was going to cost like $250. Since insurance doesn't cover the RE, I think this the way to go. Plus I will be monitored and such, unlike at the OB's office.


On another note, Aunt Flo seems to be making her exit just as quickly as she made her entrance. *TMI coming up... I didn't even have to use a tampon at all today. What is going on?? I think it is from the Clomid. I know that it can decrease your lining. I just hope it isn't decreasing it tooo much to make a baby. This cycle just doesn't feel right.


Since I started my own blog, I have become increasingly obsessed with reading everyone else's. There are so many amazing stories out there. Some that are great and some that just make me cry and remember how incredibly lucky....no, blessed... I am to have the life and the family that I do. Last night I was up until 2 in the AM reading Hudson's One Good Thing. I'm not sure why it drew me in. I have never lost a child, but for some reason I was just drawn to reading it. I started at the beginning and I have only gotten to the 3rd month of her blog. I just couldn't stop. Half the time I was smiling and laughing at the videos and pictures, and the other half I was sobbing like a baby. The way Hudson's mother tells her story is amazing. I'm not sure how I would be if I were to loose my Doodle, but I don't think would have such grace and strength as Hudson's mom. I am so inspired by her. It has truly helped me think about this whole TTC #2 thing. Yes, I still want it just as bad as before, but I am so thankful that my Doodle wasn't taken from me. In the hospital the week before she made her grand entrance, I was absolutely terrified that she would be. Since then I have forgotten about how quickly she could still be taken away. It has definitely reminded me to appreciate every little thing....including the annoying attitude, not listening when I say something, and arguing over doing homework.
Thank you, Hudson's mommy for reminding me of that. I think this is just one of the other amazing "One Good Things" Hudson left behind!!

Great Day!!

So on Saturday, Doodlebug left to go on vacay with her grandparents (man I miss those days when I was invited too). Today was Mr. Wonderful's first day off from work since then and we spent the morning having delicious french toast (my fave) and watching movies. It was so relaxing. Then this evening we went out side and did productive things!! We cut the grass (yes, WE), then I planted some flowers around our new mailbox and cleaned up our front porch. I have to confess, I never thought owning our own home could be so gratifying. I love spending time doing things around the house, even outside, which I never used to.

On another note, Aunt Flo is knocking at my door.... I think.  There was a touch of pinkness the last couple times I took a potty break. I know, TMI!! But this is something that I am actually excited about!!! This is the first time in over 18 months that she will have visited all on her own!!! At least something is working right in my body!!

So I have another confession, I haven't been taking all of my medicine the way that I should. I switched to taking it at night because I have been sleeping in since summer started, thinking that it would be easier. Actually I keep forgetting to take it period. Not Good!!! I have to do better.

Well, that's all for today. I must go and shower so I can get back to enjoying a quiet house with Mr. Wonderful!

How I got where I am today...

Wow...where to begin. I guess since this blog is supposed to be about trying to conceive #2 with PCOS, I should start there.

Well, my periods were never really normal, not a typical 28 day cycle but they were often enough as a teenager to drive me crazy. Then when I was 18 I started birth control and this did help regulate them. It also helped me to put on a few extra pounds. Then I started to skip the last week of BC pills to skip Aunt Flo. I started dating my husband about 6 months before my 19th birthday. We dated for 5 1/2 months and then we got engaged. About a year and a half later I stopped taking my BC. I'm not real sure why. We didn't want to have a baby, but I figured I would have a baby when God saw fit.
 Well thankfully, we made it to the wedding day with out a baby. Since going off of BC, my cycles were 3 months long. That was how often I would have one with the BC so I thought my body just regulated itself to every 3 months.
 A little over a year after being married we found out we were pregnant. It was a fairly easy pregnancy....until we hit 7 months. I went into pre-term labor. I was in the hospital for a over week. The doctors had given me medicine to stop the labor but would not let me leave. Then on the 8th day there, I went into labor again and at 1:11AM on February 6, 2003, our precious Doodlebug was born, 7 1/2 weeks early. She was healthy!!! Breathing on her own, a whopping 5 1/2 pounds and 19 inches long!!! She had Mr. Wonderful's chin, dark hair and long fingers and toes. It was clear that I was just merely the incubator!!! None of me at all!!! (My genes finally made their appearance within her attitude, LOL) We were fortunate that she only had to remain in the hospital for 10 days and then was able to come home. She has been surprising everyone and continuing to things in her time and doesn't care what the "norm" is. But it has been and amazing 8 1/2 years!!!
  We definitely didn't want to have another one right away. I decided to get the Depo shot so I wouldn't have to worry about remembering to take a pill everyday and take care of a newborn. THAT WAS A MISTAKE!!!! I gained so much weight afterwards and I didn't have a period at all. I only got one more after that and then we just used condoms as prevention because I didn't want to take the shot anymore. When I stopped going to get the shot my periods just never really came back. When Doodlebug was about 2 1/2, Mr. Wonderful and I agreed that we may be ready to have another one.
  I knew something wasn't quite right. I should have been having a period much more often than what I was. They just kept getting farther and farther apart until I was having about 1 a year!!! I know, I know!! Why didn't I go to the doctor sooner, right?? This is something that I have tried to ask myself so many times. I think  it was for a couple of different reasons. A - I didn't have health insurance. Mr. Wonderful and Doodlebug were covered but it would have cost twice as much to add me to Mr. Wonderful's plan at his job. B - I think as much as I wanted another baby, I was definitely even more terrified to actually have one. I felt like I was incredibly lucky and blessed with the out come of Doodlebugs early delivery and there was no way that I could be that lucky again. There was no known reason for her to arrive early, so there is no guarantee.
  So eventually, I started doing research on my own and diagnosed myself with PCOS a couple of years ago. It made everything make sense. Why I couldn't seem to loose weight no matter what I did. Why I had these horrible thick hairs growing on my chin. Why I didn't have a period. Why I wasn't pregnant after 5 years. It all made sense.
  So Mr Wonderful got a new job that has affordable insurance. We bought our first house and celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary and Doodlebugs 8th birthday. So I decided I needed to stop just waiting for something to miraculously happen and make it happen myself. So I found a PCP that I liked and told her that I suspected that I had PCOS. She sent me for blood work and at my follow up she said that she agreed. She could put me on Metformin to help with insulin but I needed to go to OB for help with everything else. In march I went to the OB. She added Provera to my med to make AF show up. In May I started my first cycle with Clomid. I take it on day 5-9 of my cycle to make me ovulate. I just completed my second cycle and no positive pregnancy test yet. But I did have my first positive ovulation test this past cycle which was amazing. I don't think I've ovulated in the past 8 years!!! Ha ha ha!! It was so exciting.
  So now I have one more round of Clomid and if it doesn't work then we will have to see a reproductive endocronologist. Which of course our insurance doesn't cover. But I did just find out that a medical college in the area is actually doing a clinical study on PCOS and testing clomid and femara (another fertility medication) to see which one helps more with women and PCOS and getting pregnant. I have emailed the contact for the study to get more info and see if Mr. Wonderful and I can participate.

So that brings you up to speed on just about everything, so I guess on to the FUTURE!!!

really..i can just blogg from my phone now?!? my husband is going to confused..he will wonder who the hell i am texting all the time...hahhahahaha

Here goes nothing!!

So here I go, on a blogging adventure. I never really had the desired to share all of thoughts with complete strangers until recently. Why the sudden interest?? Well it's kinda a long story, so here's the semi short version.


My husband (Mr. Wonderful) and I have been married for 10 years and we have the most amazing 8 year old daughter, Doodle (obviously not her real name, but will be for the sake of blogging). We have been trying to conceive our second child for about the last 6 years, very unsuccessfully. I was diagnosed with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) about 6 months ago. I will save the details of that for another day, but it has left me with a lot of over-whelming feelings that I must share with someone, or I just might go crazy!!! 


Feelings such as.........
anxiety......depression......loneliness.......frustration........anger........betrayal.......sorrow........resentment.....etc..


I am hoping that by blogging, I can relieve some of my own stress, and maybe even help others going through similar issues. I am on Facebook, but I don't share much on there because I don't like every one knowing my business. I am also on Babycenter.com, but even surrounded my so many others that share similar stories, I still feel like I can't be myself. What if someone doesn't agree, or like what I have to say, or thinks I'm wrong. That is the main reason why I decided to blog. If you don't like what I have to say, or don't want to hear me bitch...then don't read it!!!! It feels so liberating just typing that!!! Hahaha.....who knew this could be this much fun!!! And I just started.


Tomorrow I will start with my past....that should be fun!!


So....HERE GOES NOTHING!!!!